No Thanks

Life is unfair. Despite supreme efforts, sometimes you don’t get what you want. Believe me when I say I’ve spent a life in pursuit of self-fulfillment and I continually fall short. I have a love/hate relationship with this quest of mine. My love stems from my intensity.  My focus to take care of business in achieving a goal is incredible.  Determination and staying-power have always been strong suits for me. Goal setting for opportunities both social and professional at the apex is un-daunting; I’m wired to swing for the fences. Why do I hate it? I continually put myself in positions to fail despite my best efforts. It isn’t always enough and that sucks but I’m learning to be better with failure.

As a kid in 6th grade, I convinced myself I was going to the NFL.  The path I laid out made so much sense.  I remember having conversations telling my dad how easy it was.  Phase one was to put in the work and dominate the high school level for a full ride at a D1 school (That never happened). I found myself fifteen minutes down the road at community college close to home in Virginia. My community college didn’t have a football team or any team for that matter.  I hated myself for being there.  I envisioned everyone else in my graduating high school class out of the house at bigger schools. They were living their dreams while I was still at home getting yelled at for leaving my clothes in the washer.

Fast forward towards fall 2017, I had an opportunity for a position in my field I was a prime candidate for.  It required sacrificing a lot of my free time while demanding extreme physical and mental preparation.  I pulled myself from college courses(this was kind of a plus), gave up leadership opportunities at work, and totally shunned myself from anything I saw to be a distraction to boost my chance at selection.

I arrived at the course beyond ready. I’ve never been in better shape, mindset was on point and literally the last thing I had quit in my lifetime was playing saxophone in the high school band. I was going to die out there if necessary.  It started with about 60 candidates.  As the demands increased, I looked around to see more of the others withdrawing, getting hurt or being told to go home due to substandard performance.  Days continued to get longer, I held tightly to my experience in combat overseas to keep me resilient to the physical punishment. Myself and the others left were literally subjecting ourselves to torture.

Upon completion, a fraction of those that started remained. I got dressed up and waited to be called for a “more traditional” interview on the last day. I remember walking into a room where four of my potential bosses were already situated and coming to a consensus of where I stood among those left.  I receive some words I was pretty familiar with. “Thank you but no thanks.” I wanted to fight everyone in that damn room.  I held back the tears till I was released and drunk myself into an oblivion at the airport that day on my way home. I couldn’t believe it was ending like this.

I thought about some of the other dudes I imagined getting the nod at selection and instantly projected my performance against theirs.  To be completely objective, I was easily the strongest in attendance without question.  My speed and ability to move with a heavy pack was in 90th percentile of candidates present.  I did lack somewhat in the more technical challenges presented. I also wasn’t as vocal as I’d normally be during the opportunities to team up with others. I still feel like I was overlooked.

Fuck em’

Situations like this remind me why I believe in business and living on my own terms. Why I believed in taking the leap with this site. An opportunity to just be myself and speak my truth. I’m in charge.. Shot calling!

I love this and have no idea what I’m doing.


Kinetic or Not